Ladies and gentlemen, today I give you an interstellar new award.
An award which will cause stars to fall, casting couch divas to run marathons on Everest and the Dow to reach for the oxygen mask. Forget the Tonies, Emmies and Grammies. Ignore the Oscars, NASCARs and Whiskas. Ladeez and gennlemen, I give you "The Grumpies"!
Unlike all the other awards which are reserved for litterati, glitterati and other fine specimens of human intellect, charm and philanthropy, the Grumpies will be open to nominations from those members of the species who have never sought their 15 minutes of fame, notoriety or standing naked in the Circus Maximus Mediorum.
Whilst your humble scribe is, as ever, open to suggestions (especially if submitted on nice, clean C-notes), possible categories could include:
- Best Supermarket Checkout Rage (special award for any recipients of suspended sentences for breach of the peace)
- Most Inaudible Mumble in, on or about any form of Mechanised Transport or Provider of same
- Wet Weather Whinge (on or off-line)
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Complaint about the Youth of Today (over 45s only)
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Best Modern Technology grump (closed to anyone who can switch on a DVD )
Longest Post Office Queue Rant ( a unique opportunity for the under 25s on pension days)
The top award of the afternoon (you don't seriously expect us to stay awake after 10, do you?) will be for The Most Irrational Rant of the Year. Contenders are expected to include those cruise excursionists who can't understand why half the bus can't go shopping whilst the other half goes to the coast; men who think that "polish" is next to "polygamy" in the devil's dictionary (thank you, Ambrose) and women who complain about their partner's limited attention spans on matters retail in the fourth quarter of the Superbowl.
Now, all we need is a nice warm venue, a kindly Chapter 11 airline to fly us all there for free, a hotel which would positively welcome some out of season business, a well-endowed sponsor (say, a bank or some other reputable, asset-laden financial institution) and a Rules Committee with the integrity of Bernie Madoff, the humility of Augusta National and the warmth of Osama bin Laden.
Ulan Bator in January, anyone?
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