No, this is not a rant about the self-annointed Jedi who have resumed their lordly ways with our resources. This morning's press reports that house inquiries emanating from gs.com (Goldman Sachs to you and me, peasant) are rising. No big deal - governments will not regulate the very banks who keep them afloat in a fiscal danse macabre. No - what I am after are your everyday retail banks who take a week to clear a cheque.
Brushing aside their asinine protestations and hypocritical "customer charters", let us rewrite the true guide to retail banking, which might go something like this:
"Good afternoon, sucker." That piece of courtesy is all you are going to get out of us and we'll add the cost of it to your 'account maintenance fees'. Now that we have established that this is going to be strictly one-way traffic, we're up and running. Don't bother paying attention - we know much more than you. Always and forever.
You are paying in a cheque. This is good - we need a laugh this afternoon, after a day of dealing with half wits who think that we can be trusted with their funds. The second you present this cheque - or any other negotiable instrument, for that matter - we will immediately and irrevocably debit the payee's account and transfer the funds to - no, not you, stupid - ourselves.
We will then play with your funds - and those of the other thousands who are stupid enough to do likewise - on the money market. If we win, we keep the profits as bonuses. If we lose, you pay, either as a shareholder, a taxpayer or an unsecured creditor. You don't understand? Oh goody. You are tail-end charlie, pal, back of the line.
After about a week - or as many working days as only we, the masters of the universe, see fit - we may deign to actually credit your account. Yes, I know we can move trillions in a fraction of a second but you, you see, are a pain because we have to waste time actually talking to you and dealing with your petty pennies. You are really a massive overhead and you cost us a fortune in staff time. This is why we have to charge you 'account maintenance fees''
You don't like it? Try any of our competitors and you'll find that they are just the same. Still don't like it? Read all 375 closely printed pages of our Customer Charter and we think you'll find that our terms and conditions of business cover everything. Good afternoon."
Now I wouldn't really mind if I got a bank statement like that because at least, for once, they'd be telling the truth, inconceivable as that might be. And I suspect that there are many, many intelligent and long-suffering customers who feel likewise. The phrase "caveat investor" might well have been invented for us.
It seems to me that any business which "fronts up" with its clients is destined to do somewhat better than Messrs Lehman & co. The BBC have just run a magnificent three part series on last year's banking crash called "The Love of Money". Do catch it, if you can. At one revealing moment, Mervyn King, the Governor of the Bank of England, makes the less than earth-shattering observation that the banking system is built upon the foundation of confidence.
Just a pity that he left out the word "trick".
